Friday, November 9, 2007

Why I need to get some pajamas...

I'm having one of those days. Just one of those days where you can't see the forest from the trees no matter how hard you try. I tweaked my neck something fierce a couple weeks ago and promptly got a deep tissue massage that seemed to start the healing process. Then yesterday as I was reaching under the bed to retrieve a tennis ball that Indy had lost I felt the entire right side of my neck seize into the worst charlie horse EVER. I'm really not exaggerating. WORST. EVER. I couldn't even make a sound until 30 seconds later when the cramp had gone from mind numbing to just a confusing amount of pain. I've been stretching it and massaging it and popping Advil like it's Pez ( I can't even EAT Pez...okay. WHITE Pez). The point is nothing seems to help and now I've got some chronic headaches and a hunchback, but I'll be just FINE!

Then I walk out to my car to drive home for lunch and find a nice envelope on my windshield. Placed there by the kind folks at Parking Enforment. It seems I am PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of parking legally. I just CANNOT remember that one side of the street has street cleaning on Thursdays while the OTHER SIDE is Fridays. I was oblivious. Completely blindsided. I. am. so. stupid. I am really kicking myself. This has not been a good year for me as far as "the law" and "my car" go. I think I just found my new years resolution: spend less money by not breaking the law. And REMEMBER STREET CLEANING DAYS. I think this calls for a post-it. Or maybe my company should spring for some employee parking.

I get home (it's still only 1:30pm) and am greeted by a completely random bill from a doctor who I haven't seen in MONTHS for over $100 from a "prior balance". No date. No explanation. Just complete bullshit. This correlates lovely with the random bill from an unknown clinic trying to charge me almost $200 for unspecified tests from JANUARY. I'm still waiting for them to send me the itemized breakdown of THOSE charges.

It's just one of those days where all I want to do is put on my PJs, curl up in a little ball and SLEEP. Sleep until I can wake up and not have to sit on hold with insurance companies and doctor's offices and deal with real life and money and bills and work and figuring out what to make for dinner. There comes a point when it's all just so exhausting. I don't think I like being an adult. I actually DREAD getting the mail. It's never anything fun like a card....or money. It's always bills. Whether it's legitimate bills or unexplained crap that I have to fight. It all sucks. The postman (Thomas) is not my friend. He's also terrified of Indy. The cliché amuses me.

I have resorted to eating what might be the strangest and most disgusting food that I've become temporarily addicted to. Dried Lychees. They smell foul, look like something I might have to pick up with plastic bag and taste somewhere between sour and bitter. I can't stop eating them. Maybe I have a vitamin deficiency. I need to stop blogging in 3....2.....


Megan said...

You and Kevin should talk. He's had one accident and two tickets in less than a year. I feel seriously safe driving with his ass, leme just tell ya.

I can't comment on your food choices because, well, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And I feel you on the mail. Once a week or so, my Dad MAKES MY WHOLE WEEK with some sweet snail mail. But otherwise, it's thrown in a pile until I get to it - or don't - on the weekend. I'm still debating whether or not to dig into the pile tomorrow. I think not.

Linus said...

I think your problem is that you love any food that comes out of baggies.

I am Asian and I have successfully avoided LYCHEES for 29 years. I am sorry you got hit.

I am also sorry about your neck, and I guess that makes sense cuz you haven't blessed with my good luck lately due to my lack of proximity.

I hope you feel better!!!

Oh, also - I don't know if you knew this, but bills can be ignored. Serious. I am not joking with you or trying to insult you or anyone reading this. I totally did this a few times, and I watch my boss do it, and get this: your credit never goes down, or nothing!

Just sign up with things with fake email addresses, and fake credit cards and hire some student to be your personal assistant for a few days. This type of fraud is legal.

When they've finally caught up to you, just deny that you got the bill, or say that you have no money right now. Oh yes, they beg and plead and whine and bullshit you with everything they were trained in India to say to a "difficult American."

But make no move until you're ready.

This isn't chess, and there is no clock.

Eventually, when you DO pay them....they breathe a little easier and lose the energy to pursue any additional 'late' charges or continue fighting you about anything. I mean, when was the last time you were charged a late fee that was worth the time and energy to fight for? $10? $20? Come on. They have better things to do.

So next time you get that bill - esp if it's some conveniently-stupid place that doesn't even charge you a late fee or anything, just ignore it till you're well and good. It's THEY who need YOU.

Not the other way around.

- Linus