ooooohhhhhhhh errrrrrr mmmmrrrrrrr

Took my first Cardio Barre class tonight.....and yes...I'm having trouble bringing my arms up to the keyboard to type thank you for asking.

I work out regularly....but I don't push myself....I haven't worked out like this in a while and it's sad that there was a time in my life where I was dancing 5 days a week and this would have been nuthin. I would have finished class asking when the workout started. Sigh. Here's to getting back into shape. I'm hoping that maybe this can be my transition back into taking some dance classes.....

......maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's see if I can walk tomorrow. 

Daily Thoughts....

Why is Colonel pronouced Kernal? That makes no sense at all.

Who decided "grape" jelly was "the" jelly of PB & J. It was the only one on the table at brunch on Sunday and I find that to be outrageous. Any jelly is better than grape jelly. Blackberry jelly being the one jelly that will rule them all. And don't even get me started on jam......oh I love jam.

Thank you for asking....let me tell you.

Recently I took a Facebook poll and submitted my list for the "Top Five People I Want to Punch in the Face"*. 

* Personally I would have liked to change the title of the poll to "Top 5 People I'd Like to Punch in the Throat"...mostly because that gagging sound when you pop a bitch in the larynx is so satisfying...also because that's funnier than just hitting some poor sap in the face.

The list was as follows:

1) Rush Limbaugh

2) Heidi and Spencer

3) Tracy Morgan

4) Every fucker** at Fox News

5) Your mom ***

** This wasn't the word used on Facebook. The real word my mother finds incredibly offensive (although I find pretty funny...maybe for that exact reason) and since she reads this blog I'll refrain from using it...out of respect for my mother.

*** Apparently I only have respect for my own mother...and none for yours. 

What's funny about this list is that a few of my friends questioned my inclusion of Tracy Morgan... maybe because they like him and find him funny....or maybe (and believe me this is a hypothetical) they are sheep and just accept what "the man" tells him is "comedy"...or "acting". I, for one, cannot stand this punk. He's blatantly not funny and an actively bad actor. I hate him mostly, though, because he is preventing me from watching what I believe is probably a very good show- 30 Rock. I say "probably" a good show because I've only been able to watch bits and pieces of scenes...until Tracy Morgan comes on screen and the rage that fills my body makes my blood boil and curdle. ooooooh Tracy Morgan...how I despise your 3rd grade Christmas play acting. GAH!!! I shake my fist at you!!! 

Even as I write this I can hear his halted delivery...as though he's reading the script off of cue cards held behind Alec Baldwin's head...except that he may be functionally illiterate. I could go on and on, but now I'm getting upset. Just rest assured that if I ever encountered Tracy Morgan on the street I would most certainly say to him "you are a carbuncle on the ass of comedy and a very bad actor".  And then I would punch him in the throat.

Sometimes he's funny...

Last night.......

Chris: You know the funny bone is the body's most powerful erogenous zone.

Jess: That so?

Chris: Yes... Laughter is the best medicine.

(pause) 

Chris: Zombie laughter is the worst medicine.

Birds and Boats

I haven't had much luck in the blogging department over the last few days...sometimes it just seems like there's nothing interesting about the things I do on a daily basis. I'm sure you'd all be thrilled to hear more about how I pulled out the ferns that were taking over one of my flower beds and stealing all the water and sun from the beautiful calililys and gardenias. Shove off I told those ferns! Get back to your side of the bed! 

I know...reeeally interesting. I won't make you sit through that blog post...although it did occur to me to take pictures of the plants and create an entire series of Garden Wars....no?

I could also talk about how awesome Indy has been lately and what a great big cuddle bug he is and how I'm really hoping it wasn't just the heat or some weird illness that has been making him less crazy (although still working on that jail break) and more mellow.

Instead I'll show you a video I found on youtube maybe a year ago. I'm not even sure how I stumbled on this cover of "Boats and Birds" by Gregory and the Hawk since I wasn't familiar with the original...but I have to say...I like this version better. I've since done a lot of searches for other covers and I have to say all of them pale in comparison. There is something about the gentleness and vulnerability in this girls voice that I find beautiful.

Can you dig it?

When we first saw our house the backyard was lush and thriving. A backyard to be somewhat relatively proud of. Not without it's flaws (too much concrete and a bit "square" for my personal taste), but green and alive. With all the rain we got in Jan/Feb we had turned off our sprinklers and now that we've returned to normal dry southern california weather of course our sprinklers aren't working. Something has gone awry. So naturally our lawn has become a dust bowl. And what does Indy love to do but dig in dirt. He won't dig in the grass or where there are flowers...the little sucker has some respect for landscaping, but every evening when I get home from work there's more and more evidence of what he's been occupying his day with. 

This, my friends, is how my dog kills time...or shows us he's bored. If it's an escape attempt, it's a pretty bad one. 

"I'm digging to China!! Right after this nap......zzzzz...."

(shhh...he's not aware they eat dogs in parts of China.....I would tell him but he might have nightmares)

And look! On a completely unrelated note....we have our first two apricots growing on our apricot tree!!

It kinda looks like Indy's tiny little balls before we had them chopped off!

........what?.......... is that weird?

The Dog Who Cried Poop.

I find that some people don't appreciate when I make comparisons between children (especially small babies) and dogs, but the similarities are striking, people. I have, on multiple occasions, mistaken a kid's toy for a dog toy and vice versa. It's just a lot of squeaky rubber and plastic. I once picked up a dirty stuffed toy off the ground and handed it to my cousin's child just as she said "that's a dog toy". In hindsight, it made sense...I wouldn't have given that thing to my child either, but who am I to judge other people's parenting.

Vintage Indy photo...but one of my favorites.

Indy is a smart dog...very smart....too smart. But he's limited to his good looks and sparkling personality because he's always going to be stunted at the developmental level of a 3 year old with a learning disability. That's the real difference between babies and dogs (ok. I know, there's other differences...like one has hair and the other doesn't...blah blah blah)- one has the capacity to continue to learn things like human language and emotional development. 

One of the many reasons I wish I could talk to Indy (other than asking him what is so damn tasty about my socks) is that I would like to read him the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. I think it would benefit him tremendously and open up the lines of communication and understanding between the species. That way I could tell him that barking at the dog being pushed in a little red wagon is NOT the same as eating the face off of a hostile intruder and if he continues to growl when he sees a possum running across the back fence I'm going to ignore the time when our flat screen is being hauled out the door by meth heads in ski masks. 

That story would also get the message across that when we go on our walks he can't just stop and look at me with those big brown puppy dog eyes as if to say "mom. i'm seriously going to crap on the sidewalk if you don't stop" only to sniff the grass and claim that tree as his own.  

On our walk last night I tried to put my foot down and not let him stop every few houses, but far be it from me to keep a man from doing his business. (Sometimes I even bring a magazine in case he needs help)  So I stop, make him sit, then say "ok" and release him. Sometimes he even pretends to circle around finding the right spot or fake pops a squat... but then lowers his head to sniff or lifts his leg and declares that INDY WAS HERE. "Hurray! Squeaked one in past mom!" 

I'm telling you...this dog is not stupid..... Every night I grab a bedtime biscuit and open the back slider for Indy. I say "go outside and go potty". He knows he's supposed to go to the grass and pee before he can get his biscuit...but lately he's been bolting outside, barely touching the grass and then immediately turning tail (hehe) and making a bee line for the door like he's doing line drills.

"What's the problem now?"

And see! You didn't even have to wait until I had kids to get a blog post about poo. How awesome for you. 

Jessica's Warning Of The Day

Whatever you do....do NOT google "bunion" and then click on images.

This may not have been worth the build up....

So I'm a liar. I did NOT post before/after picts of the living room....but what do you want from me, really?

Oh.....just before/after pictures of the of the living room? Ok. Well now I feel bad.....

See the thing is...I've been REEEALLY busy. Work has sort of exploded into a series of "ohmygodhurryupyouvegotabunchofshootsfordifferentpeople!!" with a little bit of "heywhere'sthatthingIneedbutnevertoldyouIneeded?!" mixed in for good measure.

So let's recap shall we? Not this past weekend but the weekend before that we had a BBQ for my birthday! I had a great time since there's really nothing better than cooking up some burgers, drinking some beers, hanging out with friends all at your own place. You can walk around barefoot...raid your own pantry...and best of all: NO DRIVING! So the party was a blast...there was even a candyless pinata!! (thanks dan!)

What do you mean this looks dangerous?

(You can see Dominique there saying "Here, Chris. Let me hold your beer. we don't want you to lose that when this goes terribly wrong...")

Anyway...the weekend before the party Chris and I commit ourselves to finishing...the living room. 

This is what the living room looked like before the previous owners even moved out.....the first impression is nice...the minty green color not my favorite, but it had a cozy feel to it. That's part of what attracted us to the house....

But then once we went back after they had moved everything out we got a really good look at how damaged the walls were and how dirty and unfortunate things looked...and man I couldn't stand that mint green. The baseboard was already pulling away from the wall and the rest of the moldings were caked with 64 years of paint and had been put up by someone with a loose interpretation of the word "craftsmanship".

So we got to work pulling off all the baseboards and window/door moldings, repaired walls, spackled for DAYS and ultimately primed and painted a much more pleasant shade of green. The pictures don't really do it justice (especially the color difference)....so come visit! I'll show you and we can have one of those long winded conversations about home improvement I'm sure my friends are tired of by now. 

So now I promise...ok...so my promises are no good now...but I will TRY to get back on my posting track. Some exciting possible posts to come: 

1.) Hey! Check out our new drawer pulls!

2.) We finally got a lawn mower!

3.) Jess tries plant care one more time.

I know....hold on to your boots people...I've become officially a home owner!!! Just wait til I have kids! Just imagine how interesting this blog will become then! (future posts: 1.) poop, the good, the bad and the ugly)

Note: Home ownership was also marked by the recent stark realization that they don't send you a property tax bill when you buy a house...instead they send you a supplemental bill for the amount you'll owe NEXT year to the place you USED to live. Good thing I just happened to check the website and find out we owe $2100 on Friday. Oh California Government...with all your efficiency it's hard to believe you're broke....you're so silly....

Stop yelling at me!!!

Ok...so I know I promised before and after photos...and last night I did upload them to my computer and then decided I felt too sleepy to continue on with those shenanigans and demanded that Chris stop his tom foolering around on his computer and come to bed!! Ok...there was no demanding...he just finished what he was doing and I was really only uploading photos as a way to kill some time.

So I promise to the many adoring fans who have been flooding the comment box with demands for pictures of the BBQ and the house that I will post something tonight. For now I will leave you with something Linus sent me that I find so incredibly appropriate for how I feel every other Friday.

I doubt any of you can relate.